


Here and Now

by LadyOxymoron



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode Related, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-24
Updated: 2018-04-24
Packaged: 2019-04-27 01:59:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14415210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyOxymoron/pseuds/LadyOxymoron
Summary: After the argument over breakfast, Alec and Magnus have a talk about their relationship.





	Here and Now

**Author's Note:**

> This fic has been going around in my head ever since the promo for 3x06 was released. :)

Alec was leaning on the doorframe, watching Magnus’ movements closely, trying to gauge his mood. Ever since their fight over breakfast, he had been trying to figure out what was going through Magnus’ mind to no avail. Usually, Magnus was an open book to Alec but ever since the immortality issue had come up, the masks he used to wear had slid back in place and Alec didn’t think Magnus had ever been so closed off.

Magnus was moving slowly, methodically, gathering his phone and keys from the coffee table and shoving them in his pockets. Alec watched as he checked the watch and hummed to himself, snapping his fingers to summon his jacket. The new jacket. The red one. The one Alec had spent an insane amount of time fantasizing over.

Alec suppressed a snort. He wouldn’t have put past Magnus to choose that particular jacket on purpose, just to drive him insane.

He watched as Magnus donned the garment and started to walk toward the entrance door, toward him. Alec could tell the lightness of his steps was a little forced, his casual façade a little strained. When Magnus stopped in front of him, Alec didn’t call him up on it. He straightened up and moved away from the doorframe instead, giving Magnus room to leave.

“Going to see a client?” he asked, wincing at the flat sound of his own voice.

“Yes,” Magnus replied, face schooled into a carefully neutral expression.

He seemed so calm, so collected. And that was enough to unnerve Alec even more. If he hadn’t known Magnus as well as he did, he would have been fooled by the act.

Magnus lifted up his hand, bringing it to Alec’s cheek and stroking it tenderly, a tiny smile playing on his lips. Alec couldn’t find it in himself to smile back.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered instead.

He didn’t need to say for what. Magnus knew it. They both did.

_Sorry for invading your privacy. Sorry for being so jealous. Sorry for arguing. Sorry for being mortal._

Magnus didn’t seem to acknowledge the apology. “I’ll be back for dinner if you want to join me, Alexander.” Then he walked past Alec and left, locking the door behind himself with a quiet click.

Alec’s “I love you.” Echoed in the empty room.

It echoed inside his own constricted chest, tightening it further, burning its way up his throat.

Once alone, he allowed himself the luxury to shed some tears. Tears that surely had to be for everything that was going wrong in his life, because he didn’t think he could afford to believe they were only for Magnus. He slammed the heels of his hands over his eyes until all he was able to see were bright flashes of light.

***

When Magnus stepped through the portal, Alec had already set the table for dinner. He had left the Institute early, too frustrated to get anything done. The buzz of activity in the command center and the ghastly blue glow coming from the screens had grated on his already frayed nerves. He had thought retiring in his office would calm him down a little but after reading the same report for three times without understanding a single word, he had given up. He had been torn between going to the training room and beat the hell out of a punching bag or locking himself in his room and forget the whole world. In the end, he had called it a day and he had walked back to Magnus’ loft, stopping to pick up some takeaway along the way.

The simple task of setting the table had helped him take his mind off their argument but now that Magnus was back, everything came crashing down on him again, full force.

Magnus shrugged off his jacked, throwing it carelessly on the couch. Then he walked to the table and acknowledged it with a small nod. The hint of a genuine smile appeared on his lips, emotions flashed briefly in his eyes and Alec was finally able to catch a glimpse of the man behind the mask. But before he could reach out to that man, Magnus’ countenance shifted and Alec slammed once again against the thick glass wall separating Magnus from the rest of the world. He had thought he had gotten past that wall but now that he was face to face with it again, he felt his hopes crash against the thick glass and bounce back against himself, with enough force to destabilize him.

“Thank you, Alexander.” Magnus’ smile was sharper now, his voice carefully polite. “This is lovely.”

Alec swallowed past the lump in his throat and took his seat. “Yeah.”

Dinner was a quiet affair. They ate in silence, broken only by the occasional small talk and Alec cursed himself more than once for not being able to express his feelings. He wished Magnus would snap out of that forced politeness and talk to him, shout at him even. Anything but this heavy silence that had settled between them. He missed their easy banter, the honest communication, the feeling of _home_ and safety he associated with Magnus. But Magnus had made clear that the loft was not his home, not _yet_ anyway. In hindsight, Alec could understand why Magnus wanted to wait before taking this big step. And he wished he could take back all the nasty things he had said without really meaning them. But now they were out in the open, festering, standing between them, adding another layer to Magnus’ walls.

He watched as Magnus placed his fork down and stood slowly, fearing he would ask him to go back to the Institute without hearing what Alec had to say. If he had to be honest with himself, he didn’t know what he could possibly say to fix things. His mortality seemed to hang above them like an executioner’s axe and Alec couldn’t see how they could possibly move past it. Maybe Magnus was right and they needed to live in the _here and now_ but Alec couldn’t stop thinking about that damned box and what it meant to Magnus. He couldn’t stop thinking about ending up being just another memento in a box, gone and forgotten, buried under the relentless sand coming down a hourglass. His own hourglass.

 _No_ , he thought. _Magnus loves me_. He knew that, of course he did. And he would be damned if he’d let him go without a fight. He couldn’t bear the thought to lose Magnus, not over something they both had not control over. It was not Magnus’ fault and the realization made Alec feel like an ass for taking his frustration out on him.

The sound of a chair scraping over the floor brought him out of his musings and his head snapped up, eyes following Magnus’ steps toward the bar. He watched as Magnus started to brew a cocktail for himself, turning halfway to look at Alec.

“Martini?” his voice was quiet, his wall still evidently in place.

Magnus was the one hiding behind that wall but Alec felt like he was the one pinned in place under the glass. The pressure was unbearable. He wanted to slam his fists against the wall over and over, taking the damn thing down with brute force, uncaring of the blood he would shed in the process. He knew he had to tread carefully though. Chip away at the glass, breaking it shard by shard, letting it carve a wound so slowly he wouldn’t notice it until he started bleeding.

Alec thought he could use some liquid courage to do that. “Yes, please.”

When Magnus started walking back to him, holding the two cocktail glasses, Alec didn’t think he was ready to break the deceitful peace. Suddenly, there was nowhere near enough air in the room and he couldn’t breathe.

He stood abruptly, taking a step toward Magnus. “Can we move to the balcony?”

Magnus stopped in his tracks and nodded. “Of course,” he said, turning around and heading toward the double door.

The night was peaceful and the light breeze helped Alec to snap back to himself. They sipped their Martinis in silence, leaning against the railing, none of them willing to break the quiet. Halfway through his cocktail, Alec felt like he couldn’t stand it any longer.

“Magnus, we need to talk,” he said, holding his glass up almost like a shield.

Magnus was silent for so long that Alec feared he wasn’t going to answer. “Do we?” Magnus’ voice sounded wary and Alec would take that over toneless and polite any day. If he was lucky, that wariness was the first crack in that damn wall.

“You know we do,” Alec said, downing the last of his drink and putting the glass away. “Listen, I know we can’t change who we are. The best we can do is work with what we have.”

“That’s what I have been asking all along, Alexander.” Magnus paused to take a sip of his Martini. “I’m immortal and as much as I wish our forever will mean the same, I can’t offer you that.”

“I know,” Alec licked his lips, fingers starting to fiddle with the hem of his shirt. “And I’m sorry for overreacting. I’m sorry I went through that box, I shouldn’t have and I wish I could take it back. Thing is, seeing those mementos, made me realize one day I will be gone. It made me realize I’ll age and die and now you say I won’t be a burden to you but what about twenty years along the line? Forty? What then?”

“Alexander,” Magnus said quietly, turning to face him. “I once told you I do not have the power to know the future and that still stands. What I know is that you could never be a burden to me. Not now, not in forty years, not in sixty. I love you and if you think every second spent with you is anything less than a gift to me, then think again.”

Alec’s eyes snapped up to Magnus’ and the honesty there was almost enough to take his breath away. “I can’t promise you I will suddenly stop worrying about it but I’ll try to take one day at a time. It’s just- This is hard for me and you’ve been avoiding it.”

“Do you think it’s easy for me?” Magnus raised slightly his voice, then he took a deep breath to calm himself. “How do you think knowing that one day you will be gone makes me feel? I’m not trying to avoid confrontation, Alexander. I’m just trying to not think about it and enjoy the time we have. The time I have left with the man I love.”

The wariness had spread from Magnus’ voice to his face. It looked somewhat softer now, less forbidding. It gave Alec the opening he needed to close the distance and place his hand on Magnus’ back in a comforting gesture. Magnus’ shoulders slumped as if Alec’s touch was enough to pull down the wall he had been stubbornly keeping in place. He looked as weary as Alec felt, as if out there in the balcony, blanketed by the darkness of the night he could afford to be human, to show that he was as affected as Alec was.

And Alec was so tired of fighting. He was so tired of trying to make sense of things way beyond his grasp. He felt like he had been running in circles for ages, never reaching a destination. For one answer, there were a hundred questions popping inside his mind and he was so fucking tired. Maybe Magnus was right and they needed to enjoy what they had today, without worrying too much about tomorrow. Without tainting it with useless squabbles and petty words.

“I love you too,” he whispered, thinking that it was the only right thing he had said in days. “And I shouldn’t have taken my jealousy and my frustration out on you. I’m sorry.”

“Apology accepted.” Magnus placed his hand over Alec’s forearm, smile reaching his eyes for the first time of the day. “And I suppose I owe you one for making you feel like I was brushing aside your concerns.”

Alec didn’t think he could say anything so he did the only reasonable thing he could think of. He closed the distance and dragged Magnus into an embrace, eyes fluttering close as he buried his face in the crock of Magnus’ neck and breathed him in, feeling at home at last. They held each other in silence for a long time, shifting only to press their lips together. The kiss was soft and gentle, tender. Alec tried to pour into it everything he had left unsaid. He kissed Magnus with everything he had, fingers tightening around a fistful of hair on the back of Magnus’ head as Magnus kissed him back with the same intensity.

When they pulled back, Magnus’ face was so soft, his eyes so bright. Alec felt the sting of tears prickling behind his own eyelids, overwhelmed by the sight. He had never been one for poems but if there was such thing as poetry it had to be the way Magnus looked at him in moments like this. That intense stare burning over him, straight through him and inside his very soul, making him feel raw and naked and yet, alive in a way he had never been before.

“Magnus,” he whispered. And behind that single name, there were hidden several other sentences Alec couldn’t find the voice to utter right then. _I don't want to leave you. I love you. I’m sorry. I need you._

Apparently, Magnus could read him like an open book because his eyes softened, his smile widened. “I’ve missed your eloquence, darling.”

Alec huffed out a surprised laugh, then he sobered. “Can I stay over?”

Magnus’ arms tightened around him as he never wanted to let him go again. “Please,” he whispered.

Alec pulled back and took Magnus’ hand in his own. “Then take me to bed,” he said, turning toward the door. “I promise I won’t be an ass in the morning,” he teased, starting to walk and dragging Magnus along. “As long as you can promise the same.”

Magnus let out an amused chuckle. “Oh, you wound me! I’ll have you know that sentence has just made you lose your sex privileges for the night.”

Alec turned toward him and just stared, eyebrow cocked up.

“Very well,” Magnus relented. “I’ll find a punishment I’ll be able to see through.”

Alec laughed quietly. “That’s what I thought.”

“Don’t be cocky, Alexander.” Magnus tried to keep his voice even but his shoulders were shaking with silent mirth. “It doesn’t favor you.”

“Shut up, Magnus. You love it.” Before Magnus could retort, he leaned over and claimed his lips in a kiss.

They made their way to the bedroom, easy banter interrupted by the occasional kiss, hands firmly clasped in each other’s. And really, Alec didn’t think he could ask for more. He couldn’t delude himself and pretend things would always be smooth but as long as he had _this_ , he was more than happy to live in the _here_ and _now_.

**Author's Note:**

> As usual, thank you for reading. :)


End file.
